The Royal Wedding

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback and Avril Lavigne are getting married.

Hold on, I'll let you catch your breath from the most likely stomach cramping laughter you have fallen into... actually if I did that I'd have to wait two weeks, so let's just move on with it. The news broke today with People magazine in the lead, Spin magazine closely following it and of course everyone's favorite celebrity gossip website Oh No They Didn't, bringing the real LOLZ and the goods with pictures of the new power couple of music....

Is it just me or do they look related here?

I am not going to lie, when I first read that they were engaged I checked the date and also made sure I wasn't reading the Onion or some shit. How can two people who are arguably some of the most hated people in music make it in this crazy mixed up world? More over why would they want to? They're going to have to listen to each other's shitty bands do mediocre music for the rest of their lives (their 90 day marriage, whatever comes first.)

Not to mention Avril was classy enough to let this information out on the birthday of her very very recent ex-boyfriend Brody Jenner. Sweet move there. 

But really of course my mind went immediately to all the crimes that their songs have committed against my ears over the years and wonder if the magic of terrible songs or being Canadian is what is to blame (or really to congratulate for the biggest LOL I've had in weeks)

Maybe Chad proposed using this Nickelback gem, you know to show what a sensitive and sweet guy he is:

And then maybe Avril said what the rest of us said and responded with this:

But more likely she probably played him this one back instead...

And then they probably went out and bought some ugly neck chains and hair products together.  But like my friend Jen Wa the Destroyer pointed out, honestly they're perfect for each other:

I mean he wrote this song and she wrote this other song too...

So really I think they're equally annoying. And sonically awful. Dear gods of music, let's keep them from procreating, at least before I go deaf.

Also keep an eye out for the duet they wrote together, which is the reason we have this Royal Wedding to look forward to. Cheers you crazy bad music generating kids.

Going shopping? Can you please find this man a less ugly shirt while you're out?

Classy keychain there...

Limp Bizkit - Gold Cobra

Alright, I'll admit it, when Limp Bizkit came out I didn't violently hate them. In the early 2000's everything sounded like this. We also had not begun to hear what a bag of douche Fred Durst is.

Straight to the point, I've met this short a-hole several times. He used to go into Ahhs! where my friend Jennifer worked on the regular and hit on all the girls while he had his kid with him. I distinctly remember him hitting on a female friend of mine that was in a band in front of her boyfriend at a show at the Whiskey. Basically all in all is this persona he plays in the band and in the videos is legit. This is 24/7.

Needless to say when I heard Limp Bizkit was putting out another record I pretty much threw up in my mouth. This style of music is played out. Even the homeboys in Korn have moved on and are trying new things (dubstep? really? whatever, we'll get to there some day) But here is Fred Durst as big as day, frontin' like a motherfucker to show us how much of a fuck he does not give.

I wanted to embed this video because you should watch it for the LOLz but Fred or his record company or whatever doesn't want it embedded. So here it is.

Let's just ignore the fact that this song is a steaming pile of donkey crap. Let's instead focus on how HORRIBLE the video is. You see because Fred Durst is committing another sin of epic proportions in it.

He's wearing a Celtics jersey and a Yankees hat.

Process that sports fans while I explain to the group why that is wrong:

You see, Boston Vs New York well... its a pretty big deal. The Red Sox fans and Yankees fans... they historically do not get along. And having been to Boston myself and whatever, I can pretty much tell you that even Celtics fans who aren't Red Sox fans sure as hell aren't Yankees fans. Now this may look "cool" to Fred to wear these things and maybe in suburban middle America you can get away with it if you are a special needs person but seriously...

I'm too offended by the combination to even start ranting about the only remotely interesting part of the video being a jiggly model, well jiggling. You go girl, you look hot. Sorry you have to hang out with Fred Durst. Nice bikini by the way, is it Roxy or Famous Stars and Straps?

At any rate this song gets an F, as in F everything about this piece of crap.

The Wizard Steps Out From Behind the Curtain

So the people responsible for Rebecca Black's "Friday" have started giving interviews. I ALMOST feel bad for the guy. Almost.

technology sucks

Digital software is making it easier and easier for any dumbass with two arms and a Macbook Pro to do welll... whatever they want to rape our ears with the audio equal of dog shit. It's been happening in the DJ community for awhile now, as you know, everone's a DJ with a Mac Book Pro.



"My dog, he DJ's..."

It seems like this has blown up all over pop music lately. There's a lot of bad stuff out there but man if Ark Music Factory aren't the worst offenders. You know the people who brought us Rebecca Black's "Friday." It's like Ark Music Factory is this giant glaring example that god hates us and wants us to be unhappy. The dog balls that Ark puts out and actually makes money off of is a form of international terrorism. Seriously. How do I know?

BECAUSE THERE IS MORE OF IT. NO JOKE.



Oh god no please no

Look let me just put it down for you... if you're super rich and have 2-5k to throw down on doing something bad ass for your kid, awesome, but INVEST IT IN MUSIC LESSONS. Don't just drop them off at the "Shitty Music for Stupid People Factory," with that one guy who raps in ever video and think you got them started on a musical career. Ark Music Factory is like freakin' child abuse.

At very least its sonic adult abuse. Why does this shit even exist?

god i dont care

This is so funny, I want to pee my pants.

this is disappointing

Okay Scott Russo and I may be getting a divorce.

A little background here. I am in love with Unwritten Law. They're one of my favorite bands in the world and I've seen them between 15-16 times and have met them enough that usually Scott Russo recognizes me. He's my future ex-husband. I rely on their music to get me going when nothing else will and so you have to understand when I saw that there was NEW UL in the world this morning when I got to work, I almost fell over and died of happy. It was like SURPRISE BITCH IT'S CHRISTMAS!

Then I downloaded it.

You can probably tell that since I am writing about "Starships and Apocalypse" here it didn't really live up to my expectations. In fact it may have actually ruined my day. Not only is it basically every song they've ever done before sonically... there is this part in the song that is completely and totally a Ke$ha rip off or spoof.

(Actual Ke$ha lyrics:

"I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk

Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk

Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk")

Either way, I don't get it. I'm sad. Please oh please tell me this is not what the rest of the album sounds like.

"Starships and Apocalypse"

I see the look in her eyes
She was a fast talking woman with a master disguise
And she wore fake Gucci shades blowing rings with her smoke
And if you didnt know better, she'd let you know

Singing something about, everybody get drunk drunk
Yeah baby lets fuck fuck
Grab control to a major time and here comes the story so sing along yo
Grab control to a major time and here comes the story so... she was sinnging bout

Starships and apocalypse, drifting to the great abyss
And hide, from tomorrow cause she just had tonight
She was singing about
Oh no, please don't go
Last call so lose control
Take my hand, off we go to
La la land

She gets me out of my head
And shes the only kind of woman that makes me understand
When Im talking about, everybody get drunk drunk
Yeah baby lets fuck fuck
Grab control to a major time and here comes the story so sing along yo
Grab control to a major time and here comes the story so... she was sinnging bout

Starships and apocalypse, drifting to the great abyss
And hide, from tomorrow cause she just had tonight
She was singing about
Oh no, please don't go
Last call so lose control
Take my hand, off we go to
La la land

Oh no, she was singing about

Starships and apocalypse, drifting to the great abyss
And hide, from tomorrow cause she just got tonight
She was singing about
Oh no, please don't go
Last call so lose control
Take my hand, off we go to
La la land

Shes singing about

Starships and apocalypse, drifting to the great abyss
And hide, from tomorrow yeah she just had tonight
She was singing about
Oh no, please don't go
Last call so lose control
Take my hand, off we go to
La la land