The Royal Wedding

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback and Avril Lavigne are getting married.

Hold on, I'll let you catch your breath from the most likely stomach cramping laughter you have fallen into... actually if I did that I'd have to wait two weeks, so let's just move on with it. The news broke today with People magazine in the lead, Spin magazine closely following it and of course everyone's favorite celebrity gossip website Oh No They Didn't, bringing the real LOLZ and the goods with pictures of the new power couple of music....

Is it just me or do they look related here?

I am not going to lie, when I first read that they were engaged I checked the date and also made sure I wasn't reading the Onion or some shit. How can two people who are arguably some of the most hated people in music make it in this crazy mixed up world? More over why would they want to? They're going to have to listen to each other's shitty bands do mediocre music for the rest of their lives (their 90 day marriage, whatever comes first.)

Not to mention Avril was classy enough to let this information out on the birthday of her very very recent ex-boyfriend Brody Jenner. Sweet move there. 

But really of course my mind went immediately to all the crimes that their songs have committed against my ears over the years and wonder if the magic of terrible songs or being Canadian is what is to blame (or really to congratulate for the biggest LOL I've had in weeks)

Maybe Chad proposed using this Nickelback gem, you know to show what a sensitive and sweet guy he is:

And then maybe Avril said what the rest of us said and responded with this:

But more likely she probably played him this one back instead...

And then they probably went out and bought some ugly neck chains and hair products together.  But like my friend Jen Wa the Destroyer pointed out, honestly they're perfect for each other:

I mean he wrote this song and she wrote this other song too...

So really I think they're equally annoying. And sonically awful. Dear gods of music, let's keep them from procreating, at least before I go deaf.

Also keep an eye out for the duet they wrote together, which is the reason we have this Royal Wedding to look forward to. Cheers you crazy bad music generating kids.

Going shopping? Can you please find this man a less ugly shirt while you're out?

Classy keychain there...

Five Finger Death Punch - Under and Over It

Oh. My. God. Someone please stop the ear rape immediately.

I get it. You're angry. I don't know why though, your first record was a huge hit. You live in beautiful sunny Los Angeles and immediately this active rock pre-formed cookie cutter bullshit you crapped out into my ears made you money. You caught the attention of the bands you needed to in your "circle," and even though you guys have some of the most ridiculous promo photos I've ever seen, I bet you get laid all the time. So why all the posing that you're angry? Because I bet you're not.

What I think is this: This is another band doing what they *think* they are supposed to do. "Oh countless bands before me had to complain about people thinking they sold out? I should do a song about that shit! So people know I'm real, dawg."

Look Dawg, I feel you, but did cover a Bad Company song... in a really un-ironic way. Look bro, I'm just sayin... But don't worry, by telling us how much of a fuck you do not give, I'm sure you'll win all those jaded fans of this sort of muck back. You're probably gonna be okay FFDP, so you might as well chill and smoke a 100 dollar cigar.