The Royal Wedding

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback and Avril Lavigne are getting married.

Hold on, I'll let you catch your breath from the most likely stomach cramping laughter you have fallen into... actually if I did that I'd have to wait two weeks, so let's just move on with it. The news broke today with People magazine in the lead, Spin magazine closely following it and of course everyone's favorite celebrity gossip website Oh No They Didn't, bringing the real LOLZ and the goods with pictures of the new power couple of music....

Is it just me or do they look related here?

I am not going to lie, when I first read that they were engaged I checked the date and also made sure I wasn't reading the Onion or some shit. How can two people who are arguably some of the most hated people in music make it in this crazy mixed up world? More over why would they want to? They're going to have to listen to each other's shitty bands do mediocre music for the rest of their lives (their 90 day marriage, whatever comes first.)

Not to mention Avril was classy enough to let this information out on the birthday of her very very recent ex-boyfriend Brody Jenner. Sweet move there. 

But really of course my mind went immediately to all the crimes that their songs have committed against my ears over the years and wonder if the magic of terrible songs or being Canadian is what is to blame (or really to congratulate for the biggest LOL I've had in weeks)

Maybe Chad proposed using this Nickelback gem, you know to show what a sensitive and sweet guy he is:

And then maybe Avril said what the rest of us said and responded with this:

But more likely she probably played him this one back instead...

And then they probably went out and bought some ugly neck chains and hair products together.  But like my friend Jen Wa the Destroyer pointed out, honestly they're perfect for each other:

I mean he wrote this song and she wrote this other song too...

So really I think they're equally annoying. And sonically awful. Dear gods of music, let's keep them from procreating, at least before I go deaf.

Also keep an eye out for the duet they wrote together, which is the reason we have this Royal Wedding to look forward to. Cheers you crazy bad music generating kids.

Going shopping? Can you please find this man a less ugly shirt while you're out?

Classy keychain there...

I don't even get it. Like seriously what does a "boss's daughter" move like? Please explain this piece of crap to me Pop Evil.

Time to hate on nickelback

So Nickelback has a new album coming out soon. The first single from it came out a few weeks ago and I've been trying to ignore it.

Here's the deal, this song isn't that bad. It's no "Animals," or "Something In Your Mouth." This is just what you'd expect, a song about getting drunk en masse with friends or whomever. It's got that Nickelback guitar sound and of course Chad Kroger posing that he's a regular Joe partying down with his friends or maybe even the fans.

This is why this song gets on my nerves: It's the same formulaic bullshit that Nickelback has been doing for years. In fact this is almost the same song as "Burn It To The Ground," which came out a couple of years ago.

Okay Nickelback we get it, you like to drink. And cause trouble when you do. And we get it, you like money from whatever mouth breathers constantly buy your boring bland records. I'm sure your next record will be another huge success because  white people love your music. And I'm sure the second single will be a ballad you wrote about some groupie who blew you guys in Kansas on your first American tour and now she won't stop calling you... wait that's Hinder. How do I know you guys aren't Hinder actually? I've never seen you both in the same place at the same time.... I'm just saying. Wait, I actually don't know that you're not Theory of a Deadman either.... Hmmmm.

Theory of A Deadman - The Bitch Came Back

Listened to this gem with my boss today. We just sort of sat there with our mouths open and then kind of started to laugh. Not because this song is funny at all but because we were so uncomfortable. It's just so blatantly sexist and misogynistic that it has to be a joke, right?

Not really. I've met a lot of people who think like this and those mouth breathers will really eat this heap of hateful horseshit right up. Like suck it up through a straw and swallow it. It's just...crap.

I don't have words for how vile this song is. It's a cheesy rip off of that song "The Cat Came Back,"  You might remember it from camp or something.



So they didn't even write the melody. Just stole it and put some new words over it. I mean I don't expect the creators of "Low Life," or "Bad Girlfriend," to be geniuses but this is truly a new leap in suck from this band, which is just another Nickelback clone anyway...

Five Finger Death Punch - Under and Over It

Oh. My. God. Someone please stop the ear rape immediately.

I get it. You're angry. I don't know why though, your first record was a huge hit. You live in beautiful sunny Los Angeles and immediately this active rock pre-formed cookie cutter bullshit you crapped out into my ears made you money. You caught the attention of the bands you needed to in your "circle," and even though you guys have some of the most ridiculous promo photos I've ever seen, I bet you get laid all the time. So why all the posing that you're angry? Because I bet you're not.

What I think is this: This is another band doing what they *think* they are supposed to do. "Oh countless bands before me had to complain about people thinking they sold out? I should do a song about that shit! So people know I'm real, dawg."

Look Dawg, I feel you, but did cover a Bad Company song... in a really un-ironic way. Look bro, I'm just sayin... But don't worry, by telling us how much of a fuck you do not give, I'm sure you'll win all those jaded fans of this sort of muck back. You're probably gonna be okay FFDP, so you might as well chill and smoke a 100 dollar cigar.

Wish I could take credit for this one...

But I can't. Still, very funny!

Limp Bizkit - Gold Cobra

Alright, I'll admit it, when Limp Bizkit came out I didn't violently hate them. In the early 2000's everything sounded like this. We also had not begun to hear what a bag of douche Fred Durst is.

Straight to the point, I've met this short a-hole several times. He used to go into Ahhs! where my friend Jennifer worked on the regular and hit on all the girls while he had his kid with him. I distinctly remember him hitting on a female friend of mine that was in a band in front of her boyfriend at a show at the Whiskey. Basically all in all is this persona he plays in the band and in the videos is legit. This is 24/7.

Needless to say when I heard Limp Bizkit was putting out another record I pretty much threw up in my mouth. This style of music is played out. Even the homeboys in Korn have moved on and are trying new things (dubstep? really? whatever, we'll get to there some day) But here is Fred Durst as big as day, frontin' like a motherfucker to show us how much of a fuck he does not give.

I wanted to embed this video because you should watch it for the LOLz but Fred or his record company or whatever doesn't want it embedded. So here it is.

Let's just ignore the fact that this song is a steaming pile of donkey crap. Let's instead focus on how HORRIBLE the video is. You see because Fred Durst is committing another sin of epic proportions in it.

He's wearing a Celtics jersey and a Yankees hat.

Process that sports fans while I explain to the group why that is wrong:

You see, Boston Vs New York well... its a pretty big deal. The Red Sox fans and Yankees fans... they historically do not get along. And having been to Boston myself and whatever, I can pretty much tell you that even Celtics fans who aren't Red Sox fans sure as hell aren't Yankees fans. Now this may look "cool" to Fred to wear these things and maybe in suburban middle America you can get away with it if you are a special needs person but seriously...

I'm too offended by the combination to even start ranting about the only remotely interesting part of the video being a jiggly model, well jiggling. You go girl, you look hot. Sorry you have to hang out with Fred Durst. Nice bikini by the way, is it Roxy or Famous Stars and Straps?

At any rate this song gets an F, as in F everything about this piece of crap.